Why Sakura is Never Late
by Sundarii
Summary: Hanging around Kakashi will screw up your life. Sakura learns the hard way when she is late one time too many. Slight KakaSaku, but mostly just nonsense. And...I'm just going to pretend that Chapter 387 never happened. Rated for bad language.


Hanging around Kakashi will screw up your life. Sakura learns the hard way when she pisses Tsunade off with her tardiness. [Very Very Slight KakaSaku, but mostly just nonsense. And... I'm just going to pretend that Chapter 387 never happened.]

Thanks, Celia, for beta-ing! :)

Happy New Year, everyone!!

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Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine. I wonder when I'll start getting creative with these disclaimers…

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Hanging around Kakashi, Sakura decided, will screw up your life. It's a fact. Since she was eleven years old, she's had to put up with his lame-ass excuses, like, "Oh sorry for keeping you waiting out here in the 110 degree heat, Sakura, but I had a doctor's appointment," or "Oh, my bad, Sakura, my phone has bad reception and I couldn't call you to tell you that I was arriving late," which, in Sakura's humble opinion, was the stupidest excuse ever; Kakashi didn't even bother responding when Naruto retorted angrily that _Ninja do not have cell phones, you lazy motherfucker!_

So really, it wasn't her fault that the laziness, through some intricate process--like osmosis! Yeah, osmosis!--seeped into her habits as well. Once she started sleeping with Kakashi, though, it just got worse.

Which is where our story begins.

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"Ka. Ka. Shi," she gritted out. "Where the fuck are my pants? I'm going to be two hours late, and you are hiding my pants. This is not funny."

Kakshi smirked. "It's just incentive for you to come back to bed. You're two hours late, another won't kill you."

"Yes, Kakashi, it will. Now give me the pants."

"I don't know…"

"If you don't give me the pants, you aren't getting any for three months."

"That's cruel." Sakura rolled her eyes, hearing the pout in his voice. He threw the pants at her and she caught them deftly.

"If Tsunade kills me, I **will **haunt you," she promised, putting the clothing on.

"Sakura, it's your own fault you're late. Not mine."

Sakura snatched her bag from the dressing table and stomped away, knowing that he was right--as always. Sakura just hoped Tsunade would be in a relatively good mood and would forgive her.

Yeah, right.

Her heart dropping to her stomach, Sakura sprinted to the hospital.

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Tsunade was not a happy Hokage. Informants were being caught, the hospital was falling apart, Uchiha was on the loose with a new team intent on destroying Konoha, Jiraiya was pissing her off, and her best apprentice was over two hours late.

"Heyyy missy," she overheard Jiraiya call to a nearby nurse. "How's about you and me go to the nearest sake bar so we can get better acquainted?" Tsunade turned around to see Jiraiya raise his eyebrows suggestively.

The nurse in question turned purple and quickly stuttered out, "N-no, s-sorry, sir," and left immediately--but not before muttering, "Ew." Jiraiya pouted.

Tsunade rolled her eyes. "That girl couldn't have been more than sixteen, you disgusting pedophile. I should have you arrested."

"Oh well," Jiraiya sighed. "Either way, you would think that the legendary sannin Jiraiya would get laid more. But no…" He brightened suddenly. "Hey, Tsunade…" he crooned.

"Damnit, Jiraiya, NO!"

"Okay, okay," he replied sullenly.

Yes, Tsunade was in a bad mood, and she did not want to put up with Jiraiya's antics when she didn't have to. Was that too much to ask? "Why are you here again?" she demanded.

"I don't know, something about a checkup," he said, cleaning out his ears.

Oh, yeah. "Stop that. This office is a sanitary place." Damnit, she thought angrily. That's right, Jiraiya was due for his annual checkup and given his reputation, none of the nurses at the hospital wanted to perform the evaluation. And Jiraiya, being the stubborn ass he was, refused to be examined by anyone who shared his gender. 'While some may prefer that kind of…stuff,' he'd said eloquently, 'there's just something wrong about having another man's hand in _my_ ass.' They'd argued about it, and Tsunade threatened to knock him out, but Jiraiya steadfastly refused. He wanted a _female. _That bastard even smirked, knowing that Tsunade legally had no right to refuse him, since it was hospital policy to let patients choose which doctors they wanted, if they had a preference.

"Why can't you just keep your hands to yourself? If you could, we wouldn't have this problem and you could be in and out in an hour."

"That's what she said."

"What? Oh my God, Jiraiya, that doesn't even make sense," she snapped, feeling frustration seep into every pore of her body in a process not unlike irrigation. Today was definitely not a good day.

"Yes it does--

"Okay, you know what, let's just get this over with. Get on that table. I'm just going to examine you myself. Damnit."

Jiraiya's jaw dropped the floor. "W-what?" he whispered. His dream had finally come true. Well, one of his dreams. His ultimate fantasy included bondage, and whipped cream, and strawberries, and edible underwear--

"Jiraiya!"

"Wha-oh, right. Go-iiiing," he replied in a sing-song voice.

Tsunade stormed over to the cabinets and pulled out rubber gloves. She snapped them against her wrists. "You can bet that I'm going to make this as painful as possible."

Jiraiya almost drooled. "Yes, please," he whimpered.

_Give me patience, someone._

Suddenly there was a series of frenzied knocks against her door. "WHO IS IT?" Jiraiya roared. Who dared interrupt this?

"Tsunade-sama?" a weak, muffled voice came. "Are you in there?"

"Sakura?" Tsunade called, simultaneously relieved and angered. That girl was over two hours late! "Come in!"

The door opened slowly. Sakura stepped in hesitantly. "Are you busy?" she asked, noticing Tsunade's gloved hands and Jiraiya sitting on the table. Putting two and two together, she apologized. "Tsunade-sama, I am _so_ sorry, I swear, I'm just going to go now, but I swear, it's all Kakashi's fault, not mine, he's such a--

"SAKURA! Shut up!" Jiraiya secretly agreed. She was cute, but she needed to just shut up, and go, because this was going to be the best experience of his whole life and if Tsunade decided to yell at Sakura instead of checking on Jiraiya, he swore he would rasengan the pinkie through the window. He could take on Kakashi and Naruto later.

"I don't want to hear your excuses now. I'm going to listen to everything after I examine--" Tsunade stopped talking. Her eyes widened. In return, Sakura stopped breathing; that was never, ever a good sign.

"Shishou, please, don't do anything rash, I can explain everything…" she began pleading, not liking the triumphant gleam in her teacher's eyes.

"Sakura," Tsunade said slowly. Too slowly, thought Sakura.

She gulped audibly. "Yes, Shishou?"

"You **will **explain. But first, you are going to accompany Jiraiya to Room 456."

The silence that followed was deafening.

"What?" Sakura whispered incredulously, breaking the silence.

"Yeah, what?" Jiraiya repeated murderously. Chakra began to whirl in his palms subconsciously.

"Shishou, _no_!" Sakura cried wildly. "Please! I'm begging you!"

Tsunade almost giggled with glee but managed to keep a straight face. "This will keep you in line for a very, very long time. You have been constantly shirking your duties and I don't like it. You need to learn a lesson."

"I've learnt it, Shishou, please!"

"No, I don't think you have. Jiraiya, get off the table and go with Sakura."

"What's in room 456? Aren't you going to give me a checkup?" he demanded.

Tsunade cackled evilly. "Sakura, why don't you tell him what's going to happen in room 456?"

Sakura couldn't even muster a glare. "I am going to give Jiraiya-sama a…"

"A what?" he asked, his interest peaked.

Miserable. She was completely miserable, and Kakashi was going to fucking pay for it. "I'm going to give you a full-body checkup."

The half-formed rasengan in Jiraiya's palm extinguished immediately.

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Please tell me if you liiiike it :D

To anyone waiting for Epoch, it will be here shortly...still being tweaked. Expect it soon! (Or maybe I should hold it ransom and demand reviews before i post it. mwahahaha!)


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